The People You Turn Into

What is it about weddings that can turn a person inside out? What happens in a person that makes them either go to the light or the dark side?

If there’s anything I’ve learned about wedding planning (and there have been many lessons), it’s that people change when it comes to weddings. Weddings can either amplify the good nature within people or it brings out the crazy. The complete bat-shit crazy.

Sound familiar? Here’s some of the people you might meet, the good and the bad, after you get engaged:

  1. Butt-Hurt McGee

This person is sooooooooooooo offended that you didn’t ask them to be in the wedding party/throw a shower/include them in your day somehow. In fact, they’re so butt hurt by not being included that they’ll throw shade every which way they can by turning down invitations to parties, not answering phone calls or texts, and even threatening to not go to your wedding.

This person will basically be absent for you during wedding planning. Even if you were close before, they will vanish anytime you call or try to hang out. There’s nothing you can do to make up for the terrible “rift” your decisions have caused the relationship, mainly because the “rift” is made up and not that serious.

Depending on your level of closeness, you can decide to really put some effort into repairing the relationship and addressing the conflict or just walk away.

2. The Nickle and Dimer

This person is so obsessed with the bottom line that they’d rather you have your wedding in a parking lot and ask people to bring their own chairs, booze, and food than try to pay for anything over the budget. They can’t see the end picture because they’re so bogged down with the small details that nearly every decision ends in a stalemate and uber frustration.

No doubt, this was me at the very beginning of wedding planning. I was so overwhelmed with the high price tags of everything wedding-related that I basically shut down and cried every day. The guilt of a big budget followed by millions of decisions made me the human version of a IED. Want to know when the next explosion is? Just say the price tag and KABOOM.

3. Me, Myself, and I

This person has made it clear that your wedding is all about them. Every question they ask is all about them. “How am I supposed to get around town?” “Who is going to watch my kids?” “How could you NOT want to meet my child?” “Can you do this for me?” “Can you do that for me?” “Your wedding locations are really inconvenient for me.” “Me me me me.”

This is the worst person ever. Not only can they not understand that your wedding is about you and your fiance, they make it a point to let you know any chance they get that if you’re not meeting their every need, they’re not happy for you in the least bit. Not until you switch the focus to them, that is. Then they’re overjoyed at the chance to have a me-party during your big day.

4. The Worrier

This person is worrying about everything and they’re not even the one getting married. They will contact you obsessively about every little detail, even ones that have nothing to do with them or their duties. “Has anyone done this yet?” “Where am I supposed to meet you?” “I emailed/texted/called you 1 hour ago, why haven’t you responded?” “Who is picking this person up?” “Why don’t I know everything that’s going on?”

This person is EXHAUSTING. I mean, 100% completely out of control debilitating. If the incessant calls/emails/texts don’t wear you down, then the million and one ridiculous “What if/then this?” made-up scenarios will stress you out so much you can’t help but lose it.

5. The “I’ve Forgotten How to Adult” adult

Normally, this person has everything in their life together. They have/had a job, pay their bills on time, may have a family, and is someone who typically handles their stuff. Yet, somehow wedding planning makes them question how they accomplish the simplest tasks day to day. “How do I get around a city I already live in?” “How do I get myself dressed and looking presentable on the wedding day?” “When and where am I supposed to feed myself?” “How are others supposed to feed themselves?”

This person will frustrate the crap out of you. No matter how many times you remind them that they normally drive themselves around, or that they can call a cab, or that they can hire someone to do stuff for them, they will continue to insist that they don’t know how to do these things. The easiest thing to do with this person is to ignore them until after the wedding.

6. The Ghost

Where has this person gone? You contacted them at the beginning to ask them to be a part of your wedding in some way, and they subsequently ghost you and never respond to anything again. In fact, you have to contact them 5 or more times before they respond, and who knows if they’re actually going to answer the questions you posed for them.

Sometimes your Ghost is Me, Myself, and I. They disappear until you can somehow make it about them again. And when you do, they’ll respond to you lightning fast as though they never ghosted you in the first place.

This person is different from Butt-Hurt McGee. They’re not offended or hurt, they’re just terrible at staying in contact. Even when they know it’s crucial to be around and accessible, they can’t get it together long enough to respond to emails/texts/calls in a timely manner. They simply, POOF, vanish from communication and you don’t know if they’re alive or dead anymore.

This person isn’t terrible, they’re just annoying as f^*k.

7. The “I’ve Lost My Mind and Will Make Terrible Decisions” friend

This person will out of nowhere and with no warning become your worst enemy at a moment’s notice. They will behave like a crazy person, make really terrible decisions (usually fueled by alcohol and a general unhappiness with their own life), and end up destroying the bond you may have had with them.

This person will generally not apologize. In fact, instead of apologizing, they’ll use any excuse to justify their bad behavior and question you for even bringing it up to them like they did anything wrong. This person is T.O.X.I.C. You may have seen some of the warning signs before but chose to ignore them because they never did anything bad to you in the past, and besides, it’s your wedding! Everyone will be on their best behavior, right? Right??

This person may make you question yourself and what you did to deserve this type of reaction. The person may also fuel the fire of other people’s bad behavior because they think they may be able to get away with acting out. Which will then make you question your relationships with these people in the first place.

This is not really the state of mind you want to find yourself in while you’re planning your own wedding. The best thing you can do is sever the tie and move on.

8. The Human Bra

Without question, this is who you want everyone associated with your wedding to be. These people are the most supportive, the most helpful, the most loving and caring people of all. Never hesitating to ask, “How can I help?” “Where do you need me?” “I’m here for you”, the human bra is the person and persons who will support you through the drama and help out when you’re about to lose your mind from all the stupid little decisions that have to be made.

They’ll text you out of the blue to tell you they love you and they’re excited for not just your wedding but also your marriage. They’ll do their best to keep the drama away from you and your fiance, attend all your functions, and never complain. Even if they can’t bring their children even though they want to (because duh, they love them), they say nothing and handle their lives efficiently so that they can help you out.

I’m happy to report that the human bra is everyone on my side. They have gone out of their way to make me feel special and loved and excited for my wedding and my marriage. They’ve even done the same for Timmy, just to make him feel all the love and support that I’ve received. I just can’t get enough of them!

——–

Obviously, I’m exaggerating a bit and poking fun not just at the people I’ve met during my own wedding planning, but stories I’ve heard from friends who had their own fair share of craziness during their weddings. You can only control what you can control. and although some of these personalities have driven me crazy, I’m choosing to focus on the good. The good being my friends, family, and of course, Timmy.

2 weeks. Let’s do this.

♥, VB

Advertisements

10 Things I’ve Learned from Law & Order: SVU

As you know, I’ve been binging on Law & Order: SVU since I don’t have cable (best decision ever). I’m currently midway through Season 13, with only 1.5 seasons left before I’m caught up! Slightly pathetic, but hey, I own it.

Since I’ve been watching it nonstop, there are a few truths I’ve learned that I’d like to share with you.

1. Defense lawyers are the scum of the earth, unless you need one, and in that case, do whatever you need to do to get me off the charges.

2. Elliott Stabler is one of the sexiest men EVER, and he doesn’t make a lot of $, have fancy stuff, or have a super successful executive career. What makes him sexy is that he owns himself, and walks around like no one can touch him, which is a skill everyone should learn. True, he has a MASSIVE anger management problem, and that should never been ignored, but Good God is he yummy.

Chris Meloni

Try to resist me. Just try.

3. Ice-T’s opening credit picture has him making the exact same face every single season. Not that it’s hard because he’s not what we call a “wide-range” actor, but still impressive that he can make the same face nearly 11 years in a row.

4. Take pictures in sepia and you are automatically deep.

5. Don’t get involved with prosecutors on a romantic level. Somehow, all their relationships blow up in their face (poor Olivia) and you always have to hide some aspect of yourself from them because they’ll prosecute the hell out of you. Or they’ll sick the police on you, which just makes them a dickhead.

6. Police detectives never listen to their captain. Like, ever. Beware rogue detectives.

dann-florek-svu-season-13-finale

Why Won’t You Listen to Me?!?

7. If you work sex crimes, you never get a day off. Not a holiday, not ever. And sleep is a thing of the past because apparently you will get called ALL THE TIME for every crime ever. Seems like that should be illegal somehow, but that’s how it goes down for NYC SVU detectives.

8. Short hair is sexy on women. I don’t care how many hairstyles Olivia goes through, short hair is her best look.

Mariska-Hargitay---Emmys-law-and-order-svu-260954_816_1222

9. Dr. George Huang (B.D. Wong) is the best psychiatrist on t.v. and desperately needs to be back on this show. I believe everything he says, 100%, no questions asked. So if you’re short, Asian, male, and gay, I trust you implicitly as a medical professional.

law-order-SVU-trophy-BD-wong-1024x674

I will listen to everything you say and give you the most kick ass diagnosis because I’m good at what I do.

10. Medical Examiners can tell everything they want to know about someone’s death from bruising, DNA, and hair. You cannot get away with a crime as long as they have access to a lab and a microscope. Especially if your ME is a black woman. They get shit done.

Law & Order SVU Medical Examiner

Don’t mess with me, pedophiles. Just don’t.

Take it from me, I know what I’m talking about when it comes to this show.

♥, VB

P.S Happy Valentine’s Day (and Happy National Condom Day)! Have a safe and sexy day!

 

An Open Letter to People Who Annoy Me

To Taylor Swift: You are awful. You sing sharp every single time you sing live. Just stop. You’re not that cute anyways. How many blond-haired, blue-eyed, famous skinny females are there? You’re one among a million, not one in a million.

To people who don’t have their order even remotely ready when they get to the front of a line: Honestly, who still does this?!?! Why are you wasting everyone’s time? If you don’t know what you want, move aside. Or better yet, FIGURE IT OUT WHILE YOU’RE WAITING IN THE LINE.

To parents who want to spare their children the embarrassment of braces so you get them Invisalign: Way to set your child up to be the spoiled brat who doesn’t know how to deal with uncomfortable situations in life. Embarrassment comes with the territory of growing older. Horrible clothing choices? Check. Gangly limbs that don’t work right? Check. Perfect teeth? Yea right.

To Kayne West: Ugh, just stop. Everything, just stop. You are terrible. No one cares about your God-complex. You’re not a genius. Geniuses make scientific miracles happen. You rhyme words. Five year olds do that. Enough said.

To people who fad diet and/or cleanse: Have you heard of the Darwin awards? There should be a new one that states: “No Matter How Much Info Is at My Hands, I Will Continue To Do Stupid Things with My Diet Instead of Just Eating Less And Moving More”.

To people who get ass-hurt over every comment ever: Get a tougher hide. No seriously. Stop being so sensitive. Sometimes, things are funny and offensive at the same time, and that’s ok. We don’t have to pass laws and regulate everything and make everyone apologize for everything they say. Just get over it, and move on with your life. You don’t have to like what everyone says, so just keep it moving.

To the Kardashians: I kannot believe how ridiculous you all are. You are vapid and irrelevant. You kould use your fame for something important like spreading awareness of Armenian culture, but instead, you would like to be known for having large asses and no talent for anything beyond shopping and making questionable choices in men. Go away.

To people who use Facebook like it’s Twitter: OMG, I hate you. And so does everyone else. GET A FREAKING TWITTER ACCOUNT ALREADY.

To people who wear seasonally-inappropriate footwear: Do your feet live in a different hemisphere than the rest of your body? Probably not is my guess, so stop wearing UGG boots in hot weather. Stop wearing flip-flops when it’s cold. You look stupid when the rest of you is dressed correctly for the weather, buuuuuut your feet went on vacation somewhere else.

To people who post ridiculously dark and/or blurry photos from your nightlife adventures: No one is jealous of something that only eagles can see. Use your flash, get a better camera, or just stop taking pictures in really dark clubs/bars. It’s dumb.

♥, VB

Stop Doing That!

I am a lover of language. Let me clarify that even further: I am a lover of language when it’s used correctly.

Yes, I’m that person. Grammar police. Spelling nazi. Hater of people who do not know how to use dictionaries or Google.

So when I find something online that makes me smile because IT’S SO RIGHT, I want to share it with everyone so that the message gets out. Click here to read the list of things tons of people have done to drive me bonkers.

In fact, I just had this conversation with Timmy the other day about nauseous vs. nauseated. You become nauseated since something did it to you. You use nauseous to describe something that causes nausea.

This is a message you want to listen to. I truly do judge you when you speak like a moron. And clearly, I’m not the only one. 🙂

SO STOP DOING THAT!

♥, VB

How to Compromise

I apologize immediately if you thought this post is an explanation or a discussion on how you can best learn to compromise with someone else. It’s not. I’m actually asking you how to compromise with someone else who at times feels like they hail from another time-space continuum. How do you do it?

I feel like sometimes I nail it, right on the head, that sweet spot known as a perfect compromise. The decision that gets both parties what they want satisfactorily without anyone feeling like major sacrifices took place. Other times, I feel like the only way to feel like justice is being served is to duke it out Hunger Games-style until one person is dead and the other left standing victorious and therefore able to make whatever the hell decision he/she wants to make. Is this just me?

hunger games

The more time that passes in our relationship, the less I can tell if we’re getting better or worse at compromising. It doesn’t matter if it’s a small or little thing. Most of the time, compromising feels like one of us is just giving up in order to move forward without a fight. Is that what compromise is in the end? Between two people who have chosen to spend their lives together, compromise = giving up? Should I be disappointed in this?

quick search of google gives you this definition of compromise

quick search of google gives you this definition of compromise

There are probably about a million things that Timmy and I agree on. But for those million things we agree on, there’s half we really don’t see eye to eye. Half of that stuff is non-important stuff that we can agree to compromise on, staying in that sweet spot zone. A quarter of non-agreeing stuff, I don’t think either one of us really cares about at all, so we agree to let the other person just have their way. But that last 1/4 of the stuff….holy shit, that’s the stuff that makes you stay awake at night, the stuff that you will destroy furniture and glassware for (not that I’ve done this), the items that you don’t think Satan or God could get you to change your thinking on.

Most of the stuff that Timmy and I agree on are those important life things, like core values, moral fiber, education, and relative equal standing in life. Those things have always been what I believe makes or breaks a relationship. If you can’t agree to the values that you hold dear in your own life, you have no chance of making it. I’ve experienced it before in past relationships and see loved ones’ relationships crumble all the time because the foundation they thought they had in common was built out of totally different and incompatible materials.

The stuff we don’t agree on, the items we would punch each other in the face over (if it were legal and not harmful), that’s the stuff I constantly struggle with deciding on how to compromise.

Take for example being punctual. In my family, we are HYSTERICAL about being places on time. This is not a joke. Many many many a fight has been launched because someone made the entire group late. It doesn’t even matter what we’re doing or where we’re going; it matters if we’re on time or not. I will admit that being punctual is probably one of the only things that gives me legit anxiety. And it’s a tangible anxiety that anyone can see starts to get worse and worse as the minutes tick by.

Timmy, on the other hand, I wonder if he can even tell time. I don’t say this to be a bitch, but to illustrate his inability to manage time. He is habitually at least 15 minutes late to everything, and when we have to go somewhere, that time has extended to two hours more than once. MULTIPLE HOURS LATE. Why…what…I mean, how is this even possible?!?!

When I get ready, I’m able to accurately estimate how long it takes me per item on my checklist: do hair (15 minutes), makeup (5 minutes), find outfit (5-10 minutes), pack (20-30 minutes), etc. It’s the planner in me. I know myself well enough to call it like I see it: I’m not spontaneous, I’m not chill, I’m not “fly by the seat of your pants”. I’m the complete opposite of all of that, and I love that about myself. I’ve been this way since I could form thoughts. I believe it really is a part of who I am and how I present myself to people. What I believe my planning and punctuality say about me is this: “Victoria is punctual and reliable. She wants me to trust that she will be places on time, be where she says she will be, that she is honest and trustworthy.”

I can’t even honestly tell you how Timmy approaches time management. I’ve never seen anything in my experience that suggests that he has a plan or is able to accurately estimate how long it takes him to do things. Most of the time, his time projections are off by about 20 minutes. From my viewpoint, he spends a lot of his time moving slowly, checking FB and his phones, stopping by the tv to watch ESPN, then moves on to do things on his checklist. We’ve been late to weddings, festivals, parties, vacations, and dinners because of his time management skills. And it kills me slowly every single time. All I had to do was read this article today in the Huffington Post to get anxious all over again about being late to things!

I know everyone is different and handles things differently. To each, his/her own, right? In most cases, I agree with this statement. I don’t want to ask someone to change something about themselves that is character-defining or is one of those core value items I discussed before. That would be ridiculous and just wrong.

But herein lies my problem: DO I GIVE IN OR FIGHT TILL I DIE ABOUT PUNCTUALITY??? His inability to move his arse into a similar gear that mine is in drives me crazy. Certifiably crazy. Should I just accept that this is how he is, and try to control the anger and rage that rise in my throat every time it happens? Or do I insist that he try to practice time management skills like alarm-setting, to do lists, reminders, itinerary planning, because it’s a necessary skill to have in life? Shouldn’t the mere fact that it drives his girlfriend insane be enough?

How do you compromise on something that you feel is important, with every bone in your body, but isn’t on the same list of priorities for your partner? I attempt to control my anxiety so that my reaction isn’t negative and strong. But in order for me to feel like it’s a true compromise, shouldn’t he also have to rise to the occasion?

Is this a typical male vs. female argument? That women are better planners and men just need to be told where and what to do in order to keep a relationship afloat? I for one refuse to buy into that gender norms crap. I think everyone has the ability to control their emotions (like how I try to) and improve their skills (like I think Timmy should). But it can’t happen without practice.

Before you think that I’m an exploding crazyass girlfriend, I will share with you that I know for a fact there are things I do that drive Timmy crazyface, and I have maybe not attempted to fix because I don’t see what the big deal is. Or maybe I like that thing about me that he can’t stand. Do either of our complaints or seeming apathy make us bad people not meant to be in a relationship with each other? Absolutely not. It makes us two different people trying to make a relationship work.

Either way, we’re not perfect beings without flaws. We will drive each other nuts sometimes, and that’s life.

compromiseIf we can all agree that it sucks sometimes to compromise, I think we’ll be ok. It works out in the end, and you just keep practicing and trying and working at it. I keep practicing at controlling myself, taking a breath, reminding myself that it’s not the end of the world if things don’t always go my way. It’s a part of being in a relationship, any kind of relationship, that oh-so-fun game of give and take.

But give me my watch, cause seriously, that shit drives me crazy.

♥, VB