Rough Go

That’s been me lately. Having a rough go of it. It’s like a switch has been thrown and I’m in the funk.

This whole wedding planning thing is OVERWHELMING. Capital letters all the way.

I don’t say this for pity or to be dramatic. I know there are worse things happening globally, there are things that need attention beyond my little world. I know people would love to be in a position of planning an over-the-top wedding with all the fixins. But I am completely overwhelmed.

I’ve been trying to find the happy medium, the balance, but let me tell you, when your ideal wedding was a courthouse getaway that has now been turned into a full-blown wedding extravaganza, it’s hard to find the healthy grip on life again.

All the compromises, I’ve heard them and pitched them, so no need to offer advice on how to find the middle ground, either. Destination wedding? Timmy vetoed that a LONG time ago. Courthouse wedding then have a big party? No difference in the overall price, so not really worth compromising on. Eloping? I think I would greatly regret it. Split the cost? I. am. poor.

I don’t need any, “Hey girl, you’ll be fine!” and I especially don’t need any, “Just get over it and have fun!” None of those help, and in fact, they make me feel worse.

The budget just keeps climbing and climbing so fast I’m having anxiety and trouble sleeping. I’m feeling such an overwhelming (there’s that word again) amount of guilt mixed with appreciation…I don’t really think there’s a word that fits the feeling that has embedded itself into my veins. My parents have offered to pay for the wedding, which holy shit, is just about the most generous thing they’ve done for me since, oh I don’t know, paid for all of my education and everything I’ve ever needed ever.

How do you accept a gift like that when you expected all the gifts to have ended by now?

I have felt physically ill when I see how much this wedding is already costing, and I think back to all those times (and there were MANY times) I scoffed at the wedding industry and couldn’t believe people spent that much money on one day that goes by likethat.

I guess I am now one of those people. Never say never, I guess.

Don’t get my intentions here wrong. I am not unappreciative. In fact, I’m so appreciative, I can’t stop crying. I seriously have cried nearly every single day for over a week, and we’ve only been wedding planning for like 5 weeks now. First it was the guest list that just about stopped my heart. Then it was the searching for a venue in a city and state we don’t live in, which makes the necessity of finding a place that much greater so we can stop worrying about it and not have to fly back and forth a million times. Then it was the list that our wedding planner handed to us with a never-ending list of things to do that shortens my breath. Then it was the year anniversary of Jake passing, which was just the cherry on top of a guilt-ridden, weepy, anxiety-producing sundae.

I will get to a place where I’m ok with all of this, I know I will. I will feel immensely happy and appreciative without the guilt. I’m not quite there yet, and I have to be ok with that too. We all have a process, and considering this is the first and last time I will ever do this, I need to move through the shock to get to the happy.

The happy is being with my partner, the happy is spending a life exploring each other and this world, the happy is making him laugh for years to come, the happy is in the celebration of this love.

The happy is Timmy. Which will be my mantra from here until our wedding day.

♥, VB

Significantly Insignificant

I’ve been struggling this week with writing a blog post for a number of reasons. One, nothing has really happened lately. We’ve been chugging along, doing our thangs, like we normally do. Timmy went out of town with his late father’s friends and all their sons for their annual fishing trip, then a quick stop in Atlanta to give out special awards at our high school’s wrestling banquet (celebrating the newly crowned State Champions!) in honor of his father as well as with our friend Jake, then off to Vegas for a work training. Next weekend is his mom’s wedding (when I’ll finally see him), and I’m sure after that, we’ll have tons of interesting and hilarious stories to share. Until then, I’m just taking care of Floyd as a single mom.

(Actually, side note: I did attend a kickball Meetup group in Tampa on Saturday, and I had a great time. It was nice getting out of the house and meeting people while having fun. I’m paying for it dearly today and am walking around like one of our many many senior citizen neighbors here in FL. Turns out that being a yoga devotee doesn’t set you up well for playing kickball. Who knew?)

But I was also having trouble writing anything down because of the horrible events that happened last week. The TX fire was horrendous, and I’m still so sad to hear about that tragedy. What a terrible thing to happen. But the Boston Marathon bombings hit a little too close to home for me and I’ve been definitely dealing with it alone. Not because I don’t have a supportive partner but because it brought me back to another time in my life that Timmy couldn’t possibly understand the same way.

When I started at NYU, I had never really been to NY, other than to visit the campus as a senior in high school. I knew I needed to be, had to be there, and applied early admission. When I found out I was accepted, I quickly decided that I didn’t give a flying f*&k about school anymore and dreamt of my new life as a liberated adult in NYC. It was the start of a brand new life, free of everything I had ever known and it was time to define myself in a entirely new way.

Two weeks later, 9/11 happened. Continue reading